Last month I took not one, but two vacations. (Hence, this is why there were no blog posts in April). At the beginning of the month, I took my son to Alaska for Spring Break, (which was more like a break from Spring but still very wonderful). Then, after returning, a week and a half later I met the Russian woman I was dating in the Dominican Republic for a week. Both trips were outstanding. I had a great time on both. However, in taking these trips I discovered something about myself that has both changed me and made me realize I am changing.
I have always dreamed of a life filled with travel. I set myself up to have a career where someday I could travel the world and work from anywhere that I wanted to. The idea was once my son graduated high school; I would have this ability. I seriously considered living a month in one place and then moving to the next. I certainly have a gypsy soul when it comes to travel. With my house I figured my son could live in it if he went to college locally, or I could rent it out and have it as a revenue stream if he did not stay in the area. After all, it is close to the university here in town, and students would love the location. I had a great plan in place. On these two trips though I have come to realize this is most likely not going to be my future. I felt something I have never truly felt before in my life. It was contentment. The contentment though was not about the travel. The contentment was in my returning home.
For all of my life I have felt restless. This is not always a bad thing. Restlessness can drive you to accomplish wonderful things. It was restlessness that motivated me to lose weight, go back to school, find a better career, and it is restlessness that motivates me to never stop learning because if I do, I will lose my skills. However, restlessness also blew over into another area of my life. This led me to feel like I was never truly home.
When I was growing up in the Southern Indiana/Louisville area, I could not wait to move away. While there are things I do miss about the area, and people I care about still living there, I see leaving the area as one of the best decisions of my life. I have no regrets about leaving. The area is not for me. I will not get into the reasons why, but while it is my hometown, it is not my home. Therefore, I began a journey. Besides a year and a half in Fort Wayne for college in the mid 90’s, my first stop took me to San Diego in 2002. I knew I probably was not going to spend my entire life there because it was too expensive. I enjoyed the city, but the cost of living there was, (and is), appalling. Sunshine should not cost that much. I then tried both San Antonio and Seattle, but neither were a fit either. I then ended up where I live now in the South Carolina suburbs of Charlotte. I like living in this area, but for many years I never felt like I had a true attachment to it. Therefore, it was entirely feasible that someday I would be on the move again. After all, I had this goal to travel and see the world.
The goal of travel for me is certainly not gone. I still want to spend a night on every inhabited continent, in every state, and in every Canadian province. I want to visit the 100 largest metro areas in the US. I am not far from completing these goals. As long as I don’t keel over anytime soon, (and if Canada ever decides to open for Americans again), I will accomplish this. I also am more than happy to visit almost anywhere else as well. Travel and seeing the world will always be important to me. It is a passion, but it is not my life.
On my trip with my son to Alaska I was visiting my 49th state, (Hawaii next year will be the 50th). I had always dreamed of visiting Alaska, and as a bonus I was sharing this experience with my son. When we landed in Fairbanks it was -15 degrees Fahrenheit and snowing. It had been a long time since I had been in that kind of weather. Therefore, I was actually excited about the cold and snow. The next day we drove 400 miles to Girdwood, a city 40 miles south of Anchorage, to stay a ski resort. Driving that distance and seeing beautiful scenery along the way gives plenty of time to think and reflect. It is one of my favorite activities, and one of the many reasons I love traveling. A couple of days later after staying at the resort, we drove 350 miles on a different route going past Mt. Denali to return to Fairbanks, so there was a lot of time to reflect. After spending 5 days in Alaska, we both were ready to get home. Part of me thought maybe it was just I was getting tired of driving around in the snow and cold, but it turns out this was not the case. I would not realize this until the last day of my trip on a long layover in Seattle.
Out of all the places I have lived in Seattle was my least favorite. I felt it was expensive, dirty, crowded, and the people were generally not friendly. They even have a term for this unfriendliness. It is called, “The Seattle Freeze.” Other than with one former co-worker who was genuinely nice, I experienced this. I was so happy when I left the city. However, I left the city in 2007. Could it have changed? After all, I visited San Antonio in 2020 for the first time since I moved away in 2006 and it was a completely different city. I went to Seattle with an open mind.
Since we had a seven-hour layover I decided to rent a car and share places I remember around the city with my son. Plus, I wanted to eat at Ivers, a local seafood chain. I do truly miss their food. I also drove my son past the two places where I lived there with his mom when we were still married. We also drove past some of the famous sites of the city and visited Pikes Place Market, which was close to my first apartment in the city as well. While I originally visited the city with an open mind, it quickly closed. Seattle was all these things I remembered still and more. It felt like, and looked like, it was actually worse. It was dirtier, more crowded, and I know it is a lot more expensive. I did not visit with people there, so I cannot say if “The Seattle Freeze” is still alive and well, but I did not want to wait around a find out. Being there I appreciated Charlotte and Rock Hill, the suburb I live in, so much more. I was so grateful I was going back home and leaving that city. I realized I am so happy I was raising my son in South Carolina rather than in Washington. It gave me a deeper appreciation and gratitude of the life I have now. Even though we had a great time on our trip, I was glad to get home as was my son.
Being that I was in a city I did not like, it was not surprising that I was happy to return home. However, in just 9 days after returning I went on another vacation. Since the Census Bureau has delayed their release of the 2020 redistricting data, I have an unexpected slow time at work. So, I decided to knock all of my vacation out at once. Plus, I really wanted to see the woman I was dating long distance. Video chatting can only take you so far in a relationship. Eventually you need to physically spend time with a person. This was my chance. Since I do not have a Russian Visa, she does not have a US Visa, and both embassies are not issuing visas due to Covid, we had to find a place visa free for both of us without health restrictions. It turned out to be the Dominican Republic.
I was excited about this trip. I was getting to see her for the first time in 17 months. (NOTE: We decided to try a relationship just 3 months earlier in January, so we were not dating for the entirety of the 17 months). Also, the furthest West she had ever been previously was Spain. I was excited for her to come to this side of globe. I have always loved Latin America as well, so this was right up my alley. Surely, I would not feel the same about getting home in this case. However, I did, and it had nothing to do with her or the Dominican Republic. It was deeper. I have changed.
One motto I live by is if you do not like where you are in life you must do something about it. When I decide to do something, it is often because I want to end my restless spirit. Some of these things are simple. If I am cold, then my restlessness leads me to put on warmer clothing. If I am hungry, then my restlessness leads me to eat. This is restlessness at its most basic tenement. For the first time in my life, I felt a restlessness to get home. Most of the time when I am on vacation, I never want it to end. Now, all of the sudden, I want to go home. It did not make sense to me. On my Alaska trip I wrote the feeling off to being that it was cold, and that I still did not like Seattle. What was it on this trip then? After all, I was with an amazing person I have waited months to see. We were having a blast together in a beautiful location. What was it I missed? I of course missed my son, but he was with me in Alaska, and I could not wait to get home. Therefore, I had to explore what it was that compelled me so much to be home. It took a little time after getting home to realize the answer, but I eventually figured it out. It boils down to one thing. For the first time in my life, I am genuinely happy to live where I do. I am home.
What does this mean for me going forward? Well, it means I have some new goals to go with my existing goals. Besides my travel goals that are still in place that I mentioned earlier, I have other goals. Some are new or refined. First, I am going to review and possibly rework my investment strategy to reflect staying in this area. With planning on staying in the same location, I may not need to save as much to retire to live the lifestyle I want to live. I may even be able to retire earlier. I have a new retirement goal now. I also may not need to pay off my debts as quickly which means I can invest more. I am meeting my strategist to discuss options soon.
Second, I ended my dating relationship. I know this is where my life is. Therefore, I should only date locally. My life is here. Her life was in Russia. This was and is not going to change anytime soon. Therefore, while I think the absolute world of her, it was not feasible to continue an exclusive dating relationship. She and I can still travel together and communicate with each other, but the expectation of a future in the same place should not be there. For me, dating is not the highest thing on my list of priorities right now. However, I still desire companionship, romance, and intimacy in my life. Hence, this is why I need to date locally.
Third, I have a goal of deepening my personal and professional relationships I have locally. One of the reasons I feel at home here is I have great people around me that truly care about me. I have a few people I want to get closer to on a deeper level that I am already close with as well. My best friend is moving here soon too. My personal network is here. I also enjoy my career. I am not the best at professional networking, but I want to expand my local network of people. After all, I want to have a demographic and data consulting business once my current role is complete. For that I need to connect with people to get business. These are all great goals.
The last goal, and most important goal to me at the moment, is to raise my son in a manner in which he can build his confidence, be happy, and make good decisions. I want him to be the best he can be and have opportunities I did not in my youth. My goal is to help provide those opportunities. I love being his dad. I could not ask for a better son.
There is an old saying that says, “home is where the heart is.” While I understood the concept, I never truly felt it until now. My heart is here with my son. My heart is here with my friends. My heart is here with my career. My heart is here with my city. My heart is here in my house. I am home. My restlessness has calmed.
If you have restlessness in your life, I suggest you run headfirst into understanding why, and then look for the answers. Again, restlessness is not always a bad thing. It can be a call to action. However, actions without answers as to why can potentially lead to more restlessness. Also, you could be addressing the wrong issue. Therefore, ask why I am restless first, get the answer, and then set the goals to pacify the restlessness. Calm may then be on the way. Maybe you will find your “home” as well.
Entry – May 10, 2021