It was 1989 when I was going through one of the darkest times in my life. It was my freshman year of high school, and I was really struggling to adjust to the rigors of high school life. At the time, my social skills were virtually non-existent. I had no confidence or self-esteem, and an unorthodox family situation that I had yet to come to grips with. I also had no understanding of who I was or had any idea of what I wanted to become. None my friends and family members truly understood me either. After all, as I mentioned, I did not really understand who I was myself. Due to this, and many other factors affecting me at the time, I found myself in counseling.
Counseling can take many forms. For me it included the regular counseling sessions, anti-depressant medication, (which thankfully I no longer need to take and have not needed in decades), a stay in a place for teens struggling with similar issues, and even some group therapy. I learned bits and pieces about myself through these various forms of counseling and by taking medication, but there was one particular activity where I learned more about myself than any of these other activities. It was taking the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) test.
The MBTI is a “personality test” that is based on the theories of Carl Jung. The idea is there are 16 different base personality types based on four different categories. These are Introversion (I) versus Extroversion (E), Intuition (N) versus Sensing (S), Thinking (T) versus Feeling (F), and Judging (J) versus Perceiving (P). How you rate in each of these four categories thus will lead to one of the 16 different personality types. To learn more about the Myers-Briggs you can go to https://www.myersbriggs.org/ Here, you can find a place to take the professionally administered test as I did many years ago. If you do not want to find a professional to administer the test and pay a fee, you can take a free, (and unofficial), version of the test online at http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp. Whether I took the professional test, or the free one online, my result was always the same. It was INFJ, which happens to be the rarest personality type of the 16. No wonder I myself and others struggled to understand me.
So, what does INFJ mean other than Introversion, Intuitive, Feeling, and Judging? For the “I”, it means I tend to get my personal energy from my alone time rather than from being around others. For the “N”, it means I tend to look for a deeper meaning rather than focusing on the basic facts. For the “F”, it means I tend to often take feelings into account over logic when developing thoughts. For the “J”, it means I prefer to make plans over just letting things happens. Now of course, none of these are rigid personality traits. For example, I feel tons of energy at times when I am out with a group of friends. I certainly weigh out my logic and feelings as well when making decisions and often choose the logical path as well. Also, who wants to plan out an entire vacation when a nice surprise or adventure can hop up along the path? Therefore, this is more of a guide to what preferences we may have rather than an absolute science. It is important to note this as we are all unique.
Putting this combination together has revealed to me a lot of my strengths and weakness. This has given me the chance to learn and grow. I have developed an understanding of situations and circumstances where I either thrive, or where I could potentially struggle. It is important to know these things to become a more rounded person, and the best version of ourselves we can be. After taking the Myers-Briggs, here are examples of two strengths, and two weaknesses related to those strengths, that I encounter in my daily life.
Strength: Being an intuitive empath I can often pick up on things before they happen. Many times, I can look across a room and know who is enjoying themselves, who is uncomfortable, what kind of emotions someone is feeling before they even express them, or if two people like each other platonically or romantically, (or not). I can often predict upcoming events as well. I am not saying I am a clairvoyant. What I mean by saying I can predict upcoming events is I can typically see things such as what areas of a city will gentrify, what cities will grow and which ones will not, what business products will succeed, or what songs could become big hits, (although with my music tastes I do not really listen to a lot of the new popular music now to predict this).
Having these skills has given me the ability to see in others the things they do not always yet see in themselves. I see potential with so many people. When I say “see potential” this is not just positive potential. I see the negative potential as well. Often, I see these things through subtle actions they make, or through reactions they get from others that many people often missed. For example, there is person I know that has never met a stranger. He walks up to everyone he sees and introduces himself. He comes across initially as approachable and likable because he is open. Everyone is friendly on the surface with him, yet he is not well liked and has few friends. Why is this? Because when he meets someone, he does not ask about the person he is talking to. He just talks about himself, the topics he enjoys, and shares his opinions whether it is warranted or not. He does not realize he is turning everyone off in his life. Others initially do not realize he is selfish either. They just realize over time he is annoying. If you look at these actions, then you can see rather quickly why he is not liked, and you can actually see others pulling away from him in their interactions.
For other things not involving people other subtle actions can show deeper meaning if you look for them as well. Does a song have a catchy chorus, or a certain set of notes strung together? Is a business successful just because they have a unique product, or is it because they offer a better product or experience to their customers? Is the new subdivision being built is a place where land is just available, or is it being built in a place where people could potentially be? All of these are subtle and between the lines questions I often unconsciously know how to answer. Hence, this is a strength, and one I can certainly use to help others.
Weakness: When my emotions or feelings are over involved, my ability to pick up on things can quickly go out the window. This does not mean I think feelings and emotions are bad or wrong. Quite the opposite is true. Feeling and emotions should be embraced, and I love feeling mine deeply…even the bad ones. Feelings and emotions are the things that make us feel alive. However, unchecked they can run wild. Therefore, I need to continually work hard to embrace my emotions while not being led by them. I will share an experience of this.
Over the years I have had many first dates. In some cases, there was no spark, and we went on our own way after the date. There were other cases however where it felt like the planets aligned and unicorns were going to fly down from the heavens and shoot rainbows out of their behinds. When I had the “unicorn experience,” you can imagine the thoughts that ran through my head. These thoughts were like, where will we go for our first vacation, what part of town would be ideal for us if we were together, how many things can we try in the bedroom, and so on. The problem with this, IT WAS ONE DATE! While it is perfectly natural to be excited after a successful first date, at the end of the day though you really do not know the person yet. Even if it was a friend turned into a lover, you still do not know the person in the lover capacity. Being someone who escaped the “friend zone” numerous times, I can tell you sometimes the friend zone is a much better place to be as the relationship is quite different once you cross the line.
It does not just have to be dating either where I have needed to hold my emotions and feelings in check. I would love to buy a Mercedes, and I feel it would be amazing to drive a car like that. Yet, I know I would not want to pay over $100 for every oil change I get. I would enjoy eating pizza every day, yet I would not enjoy becoming fat and unhealthy again. The point is we cannot just live off our emotions and the way we feel. It is important to know the way we feel, but it is also important to balance this out. This is something I need to keep a watch on. I, at times, still struggle with this.
Strength: I can set a goal and make a schedule and stick to it religiously. When I put my mind to doing something, I do it. I was fat and wanted to lose weight, so I lost weight. I struggled with my confidence, so I built my confidence, I wanted a cleaner house, so I made a house cleaning schedule I could stick to. I accomplished all of these things. If I want something, I let very few things stand in my way to achieving it. I can be very stubborn about this, (which stubbornness itself can be both a strength and weakness).
For me, being someone who majored in Geography it is natural for me to look from Point A to Point B. I know there needs to be, (and is), a starting point and an ending point for most things in life. For a plane there is an arrival city and a departure city. We are born. We will die. We fill an empty glass with water, and it is eventually drunk, evaporated, or spilled. All of these are examples of startings and endings. Often, people ask how do I start something, or how will I know when I am done? The simple answer is to find Point A and Point B. I am great at finding and these Point A’s and Point B’s and telling others how to get to and from these points.
Weakness: There can be many wonderful places between Point A and Point B, yet if you only look at these points you can miss some wonderful things on your journey. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in looking from Point A to Point B that I forget to enjoy what lies in between.
Last weekend I went for a walk with a friend on the greenway near my house. We started our walk at 9:15 AM on Super Bowl Sunday. Sundays, in general, tend to be very busy days for me. Sunday is a cardio and arm day at my gym, I do my daily language learning lessons on Duolingo for Russian and Spanish, I clean the bathrooms at my house that day, and since the woman that I am dating lives in Yekaterinburg, Russia, (which is 10 hours ahead of me currently), I also have limited hours where I can video chat with her before she needs to sleep. Add to this schedule going on a two hour walk on the greenway, wanting to have time to watch the Super Bowl, and getting work done on my website it was obviously a busy day. While on the greenway I had all of these things I wanted to do running through my head. While walking with her and catching up was not a task to complete and was an enjoyable event, I still found myself thinking about daily Point A’s to Point B’s while walking the seven miles. About a mile into our walk, she all the sudden stops and excitedly says, “Look!” I look around and see nothing but the greenway path, her, the tress, and river flowing close by. She then points out the bluebird sitting on the branch of the tree and then in the tree right next to it a cardinal. I looked straight at those trees when she said to look and did not notice these until she pointed them out to me. Like her, I find these birds to be beautiful to see as well. However, I did not notice them until they were shown to me because I was too preoccupied with thinking about the Point A’s and Point B’s of the day. I was taking the seven-mile greenway journey, but I was missing the beauty along the way. I would have missed them entirely if she did not point them out to me.
For me, I always need to remind myself that the journey itself is often every bit as beautiful and glorious as reaching Point B. Chris Guillebeau noted this phenomenon is his book about goals called The Happiness of Pursuit. To paraphrase, he says the journey itself and not the ending is often what makes reaching your goal a beautiful thing. I often need to remind myself of this.
While the Myers-Briggs helped me understand these sides of my personality so I could better learn my strengths and weaknesses, there are other respected personality tests out there that are reputable as well. There is the Enneagram, (I am a 4w3 or 4w5 depending on the day of the test), the Big Five, the DiSC assessment, and many others to name a few. All of these have licensed professionals who can administer the test to you officially, or you can find less unofficial, (and in some cases less accurate), versions of these test online for free. The important is learning about you with these tests. Then, you can have a tool to assist you in your own personal growth. You can better understand some of your own strengths and weaknesses.
Entry – February 14, 2021