5 WAYS TO BUILD CONFIDENCE

This week, in one of the private Facebook groups that I am in, a 37-year-old male asked a question about how to approach “girls” and knowing what to say to them after he does. Many of the women in the group were quick to point out to him it is “women’ and not “girls” of course, but what stood out to me the most was how he felt clueless about approaching women. This is something many men in our society suffer from. I once had this issue myself. On the other side of the fence, there are many women as well that suffer from a lack of confidence when someone approaches them. They will freeze up even though they may actually have an interest in getting to know the person. So, for people like this, (and me in the past), the dating cycle can be a complete spiral of nervous energy. Unfortunately, unless changes are made, these people may never get to a point where they feel they can share their soul with someone else even though they truly long to. This is unfortunate. Personally, I am glad I overcame this, but it took time and work.

Lack of confidence does not just span the dating realm. Often it affects other realms of life as well. There are loads of books, seminars, TED Talks, and much more out there to help others learn to build confidence in specific areas. Topics such as how to ask for a raise at work, how to stand up to a difficult parent or child, or how to have willpower to do things we want to do or should do are on some level addressing a basic lack of confidence.

In my past, I struggled with confidence in many areas of my life. In my teens and 20’s I was afraid to approach the women I really liked. I would not speak up and defend myself when someone made me uncomfortable. Heck, one time in my early 20’s I did not speak up when I was double charged for a frozen pizza by a cashier at a grocery store. There went $3.00 I will never saw again. If something was hard to do, I would give up easily and just quit doing it. I was afraid of confrontation and change because I developed my own comfort zone bubble, (which in retrospect was not very comfortable). I was afraid of bad consequences, the fallout of failure or ridicule, or of not being liked, so I never did anything unless I knew it was going to be a sure-fire success.

In hindsight, I have realized that my lack of confidence back then did lead to bad consequences. My lack of confidence back then crippled me in many areas of life. I found myself angry, sad and lonely a lot. I had very little self-control over my own actions. I would often drink a 2-liter of soda a day while thinking to myself about how bad this was for my health. I would say to people the things I thought they wanted to hear whether or not I truly believed what I was saying, (which of course often times made me a liar and inauthentic). I guess the silver lining about being afraid to approach women back then was I was able to avoid being rejected because I really did not have a lot to offer a partner in those days. After all, not only did I lack confidence, but I was also $3.00 poorer from paying $3.00 extra for a frozen pizza.

Even though I will never see the $3.00 again, thankfully I was able to change my life and build my confidence. Now I love my life, rarely get angry, sad or lonely, (and if I do it passes quickly). I do not drink soda, and I haven’t had a drop of it in over a year. I could care less what others think of me, and I give my honest response even if it is a response that may be hard for the other person to swallow. I also am not afraid to go after who I want when it comes to dating either. This led to better quality matches for me on the dating front culminating in finding one woman who is as passionate about me as I am her.

This many sound like a rags to riches type of story, but it is far from it. I put in a lot of hard work and time to overcome my lack of confidence. I had to address some of my darkest fears and run very far out of my comfort zone to overcome this. This was not an overnight change, and there were plenty of times I regressed rather than progressed along the way. It takes a true change of mindset. However, I developed some methods along the way that slowly pulled me out of this confidence funk. I will share some of these now.

1. Go for a walk and say hi to everyone you see.

This is a simple straightforward method to improve confidence. The tenants of it are basic. You go for a walk and everyone you walk past you say hello to them. You do not have to introduce yourself to them, nor do you need to have a conversation. Your goal is not even to get to know these people. Your goal is to just simply say “hello” or “hi” and continue your walk. If you can make eye contact with them when saying hello, it is even better, but starting out just saying a simple hello is fine.

How does this improve confidence? First, you are in a small way opening yourself to a stranger. It is easy to not look at the person you are passing and just see them as a prop to get around on a walk. Saying hello makes the person something more than a prop. They become human as they should be seen. Some will actually say hi back, and even better, some will smile too. In general, we will remember those who talk to us or smile at us, yet we quickly will forget the people that ignore us. Some will certainly ignore us and that too can be a confidence builder.

So how can being ignored be a confidence builder? Well, if you are just saying hi with no other agendas to someone, then how threatening can you be to another person? If they ignore you, then you start to realize it is on them and not you. You learn to take this rejection less personal, (I will discuss this in more detail later). After all, all you did was say hi. Also, from observation you can also see people not saying hi can have nothing to do with you. Sometimes they have headphones on and just see you as prop, (ok a talking prop but a prop nonetheless). Others may be locked in a conversation with someone else they are walking with. Some are just into the nature around them or locked deep in thought. Yet, some can truly just be shy or terrified themselves to say hi to a stranger. None of these things are because of you. This is how rejection becomes less personal. This bleeds over into over areas of life as well. You become less concerned with outcomes of reactions to you. Hence, you open yourself more.

One last way this builds confidence is you are walking and getting exercise. Exercise typically always makes you feel better. Hence, you are doing something for yourself. You are doing something besides staying in isolation. This is not to say isolation in and of itself is always a bad thing. It is not. I am naturally an introvert, so I need my private time too. However, there are times getting out, getting exercise, and seeing people is needed for our mental health. We are social creatures. Therefore, you are satisfying a personal need when doing this which of course leads to a better level of confidence.

2. Join a support or a common interest group

In October of 2013, my marriage ended. At the time I knew hardly anyone in the Charlotte area where I lived, (and currently live), and many I did know were married couples. It had been 8 years since I was last single, and even then, I lived in San Diego not Charlotte. I did not know what it was like being single in the Charlotte area. To compound that, I had only started working in the Charlotte area a few months earlier. For the two previous years I commuted to another metro area for work 70 miles away. Hence, I was truly starting over. I needed single friends. Thankfully, I found Meetup.com.

For those that aren’t familiar with Meetup.com, it is a site where people form groups based on common interests. Typically, a Meetup group has a meeting organizer, and they plan what activity will take place based on the interest of the group. There are groups centered on hiking, knitting, singles, religion, philosophy, and any other topic you can imagine. I joined quite a few of these groups and made plenty of friends this way. One group however really stood out to me. It was a divorce support group. The unique thing about this group is not only did the group have Meetups centered around divorce support, but they also had social events. The great thing about the social events is if you were with others in the group, they typically were going through a similar situation in life. Therefore, you already had some common ground and support of others when you were out socializing. This group helped me not only break out of my shell, but also helped me to learn how to move on from a difficult time in my life.

It does not have to necessarily have to be a support or social group either that you attend to help you break out of your shell. I am also in a Meetup group that is centered on minimalism. While I would not call myself a hardcore minimalist, I do try to live with less things and below my means. In this group everyone has a common goal of living with less things in hope of having more life experiences. We all share our ideas together that we are passionate about concerning how to do this. In a group like this it is much easier to share personal information because of the common interest. The opening up leads to more confidence because you are speaking up about the things you enjoy and are knowledgeable about. This bleeds to other areas of life as well. Once you are comfortable opening up about a topic you enjoy, you may find others who share the same topic.

Meetup.com is not the only place to find groups such as this. There are many civic organizations, social groups, support groups, religious organizations, common interest groups, and much more out there where you can find others who like the things you do. These days you can even join social groups online as well. You may even find a group centered on building your confidence. Is there a topic you enjoy that does not have a group? Then, you can start one and have others potentially come to you. The possibilities are endless.

3. Do something outside of your comfort zone.

In the Fall of 2014, I had just finished the end of my weight loss journey going from 301 lbs., (136.5 kg) to 166 lbs., (75.3 kg). Hence, I had a new lifestyle, and I wanted to maintain my new healthy living. Through the divorce support group that I mentioned earlier, one of the big social activities we had was dancing to live music on Friday nights. I found that I had come to enjoy it. Years earlier, you would not have caught me near a dance floor save an occasional slow song here and there where I felt obligated to dance. By breaking out of my comfort zone and trying something new I had discovered a new interest. Even though you still will not see me replacing any of the professional dancers on Dancing with the Stars, being healthier it was much easier to move on dance floor. Hence, I took an interest in learning more about different types of dancing.

The beauty of Meetup.com is I found a couple of different dancing groups. With a new friend of mine I met in the divorce group who enjoyed dancing as much as I did, we tried different Meetup groups with many different styles of dancing. We tried swing dancing, Chicago step, Detroit ballroom, and Latin dancing. With both of us being male, we never had issues finding partners to dance with us because the women at these events always outnumbered the men. Often when we would walk in the door, we would not know anyone there. Also, in some cases, we were the only person of our particular race in the room as well as I am Caucasian, and my friend is Asian. Hence, this was a new experience, a cultural experience, and an overall wonderful experience. However, it was another form of dancing that we both found we enjoyed the most. This form a dancing is perfect for building confidence. It is contra dancing.

Contra dancing was started back in the 1700’s in England and France. It is a partner-based dance, and you move down the line and eventually dance with everyone in your line. You also traditionally change dancing partners after each song. If you are familiar with square dancing, then you should know square dancing evolved from contra dancing. There are standard male and female roles involved in the dance, and typically there is a band playing for dances. Before each dance begins, a dance caller walks everyone through the steps in the dance. It is fairly simple to pick up to the dance moves. Other experienced dancers are also typically very helpful assisting new dancers with learning the steps as well. Most metro areas in the US have a contra dancing community. If you wish to know more about contra dancing, you can check out videos at the end of this writing to learn more and see it in action.

From a building confidence standpoint, contra dancing was and is a godsend. First, you are interacting with many different people from all walks of life when dancing. You can be dancing with people from age 7 to age 70. You have church groups show up to dance and they dance alongside the earth-loving hippie mammas and those in the LGBTQ community. Sometimes men will dance the female role, and women with dance the male role. It is one of the few sacred places where political ideologies and societal norms are left at the door. People are there just to dance and enjoy themselves. You will not be judged when dancing.

Also, when dancing with a partner it is encouraged to look into each other’s eyes. There is good reason for doing this. By looking into each other’s eyes, you will not get dizzy when you spin in the dance. Eye contact with others is of course a huge confidence builder. With contra dancing, eventually you will most likely be dancing with someone you find attractive. Here it is encouraged for you to look into their eyes. Therefore, you have reason to do this, and while it may be awkward for you at first, it is not strange to do this, and eventually you become more comfortable doing so. Therefore, you have made eye contact with someone who you find attractive, and the world did not end. This, in turn, also gets you more comfortable with making eye contact others in your day-to-day life and when you see someone out and about who you are attracted to.

Finally, with contra dancing, when each dance is over if you want to continue dancing you often again have to step out of your comfort zone and ask someone else to dance since partners are typically changed after each dance. Here, you can approach anyone to dance. There are no pretenses that you are trying to get with somebody romantically. Also, there are no pretenses if you are approached by someone to dance that the person wants to get with you romantically. You are just looking for someone to a share a nice 5-to-15-minute dance with you. If they say no, and you really wanted to dance them in that dance then guess what? You will probably get your chance anyway even if you pick another partner as typically everyone dances with everybody else in the dance line. It is usually not personal when someone says no to being your dance partner. By approaching others for a dance, you learn how to approach others to get something you want. In this case it is a dance partner, but in general life it could be a raise, a date, or asking someone for help with something.

Originally, contra dancing was outside of my comfort zone. Before dancing, I thought the music would be corny, and the people would be strange. These things turned out not to be the case. The people were great, and the contra community as a whole is one of the best communities that I have ever been a part of.  While the traditional music is not my biggest cup of tea, I do enjoy some of it and it is fun to dance to. I certainly think it is anything but corny and the musicians are exceptionally talented. I love contra dancing, and I look forward to the world opening after COVID-19 and having the time to dance again.

Also, I feel it is important to point out from a comfort zone perspective, I was the only white person in the room for Detroit ballroom dancing.  No one ever “reminded” me I was the only white guy. Instead, everyone was simply happy I was there to dance and was very helpful to me as I learned.  Therefore, challenging your comfort zone can not only build your confidence and help you find new passions, but it can also assist you in breaking down perceived barriers that may not be in place.

4. Do not expect things because you are you. Limit your expectations when needed.

There are many things in life and in society for which we have expectations. We expect to be treated with respect. We expect if we work hard enough, we will get a good job we love. We expect our health and bodies will hold up to do many of the activities we want to do in life. We expect our society and government with keep us protected and look out for our best interests. I could go on and on about the many things we can expect in the life, but the only thing we can truly expect in our lives is someday we will die. I know this sounds grim, but it is not. It is reality.

If we have expectations, and those expectations are not met, then we are left with disappointment. If we do not have expectations, and then something good happens it is reward. I certainly like rewards more than disappointment. This does not mean we should not have expectations in our life. We most certainly should. We should expect we are not going to get beat up walking out our front door. We should expect if we spend a dollar then we can get a dollar’s worth of goods and services in return. If I pay taxes, which of course I do, then I should expect to get something in return from the government whether it is police protection, infrastructure, or a myriad of other things. However, only death is guaranteed. After all, some are beat up walking out their front door. Some are cheated out of their money. Sometimes, (some would argue often), the government does not provide the things we expect them to provide with our tax dollars. It is perfect normal to be disappointed in these situations. However, the more emotionally vested we are in the outcomes, the more disappointed we feel when the outcomes do not go our way.

Ok, so how does this relate to confidence? When we are young, we do not lack confidence. I never once have seen a baby stop trying to learn how to walk because they keep falling. They keep doing it until they do. When they do, they will walk anywhere and everywhere. Even to places where it is dangerous to walk such as the edge of the stairs or near the electrical outlet with a fork in hand. When kids are young, they will often ask the craziest questions as well because they do not know it is not polite to ask certain questions. These are questions like why do you have a big brown mark of your face to someone with a mole on their chin, or asking their grandpa why his house smells like dirty feet. These kids are not lacking confidence to ask tough questions or to do tough task. Usually, an adult teaches them what they should and should not do. The adult will encourage their kid not to walk near the stairs or the electrical outlets. They will teach the kid not to ask about the mole or the smells that are emitted from grandpa’s house. In effect, the adult teaches the kid to harness in their confidence in performing these activities before the kid learns on their own why we don’t do these things, (for example by falling down the stairs, or upsetting grandpa). Therefore, expectations are built that if these activities are performed in this manner, then these actions will produce a result we may not like. This is how expectations are built.

Not all expectations built are bad of course. Some keep us safe such as learning not to put a fork into an outlet, or we will get shocked. However, some learned expectations are unhealthy. These are the ones we need to temper down. This way we do not have disappointment when expectations are not met. Continual disappointments eventually can lead to depression and feelings or failure. This in turn kills confidence. By not having high expectations to begin with, or worrying about the outcome of certain events, then the disappointment is lessened if it does not happen. If you invest a quarter in a vending machine and a quarter million in the stock market and lose both you are obviously more upset about the quarter million. You quickly forget about the vending machine quarter, but the quarter million stings. In both cases you had expectations of a return, but neither produced. The reason you are more upset about the quarter million is you had more invested in the stock market. Hence, the outcome was more devastating.

It works similar with our emotional investments too, but we can decide how much or how little we emotionally invest. Our emotions are not finite like our finances. We choose how much to emotionally invest in outcomes. If we lower our expectations, or the lower the emotional investment, then we the lower the disappointment if we fail.  Conversely, if we succeed, then our reward feels greater as we were not expecting it. This builds confidence.

I employed this strategy of lowering expectations in many realms of my life, and have become much happier, healthier, and confident. I feel no one owes my anything, and if I want something I go after it. I expect no one to give it to me. I try to earn it through my hard work, planning, thoughts, and actions. If I fail, then I try harder or try a different method. I am responsible for me and my actions.

5. Rejection and failure can be a gift. Do not take it personal.

Some people will hate you no matter what you do. This is beyond your control. We cannot control how other people feel about us. Yes, we can influence it a bit by being respectful others, but at the end of the day everyone will make their own decisions about you. Some people may even choose to dislike you because you are so respectful. Personally, I know some people will never see me beyond who I was when I was a teenager. That is fine. This does not affect my life, and it is not on me to change their mind about who I am. If you are hoping to get everyone to like you, then you will surely fail and be unhappy about doing so.

Speaking of failure, we can often be wrong a million times in life, but often we only need to be right once. American Idol was rejected 18 times before the Fox picked it up. It turned out to be one of the network’s most successful shows ever. How many of you are still with the first person you have ever dated? I suspect very few. Sometimes we are not meant to be on the path we are on, and we need to be nudged off it. Failure can be a wonderful gift. Through failure, we learn to improve ourselves and work towards success.

A few years ago, I got an interview with a company I dreamed of working for. In the industry I was working in, this company was the standard bearer. Just getting an interview with this company is an accomplishment as it is very competitive to get hired by them. After a full 8-hour day of interviews, I was left disillusioned. I realized this was not a place I wanted to work. The people bragged about working at least 5 to 10 hours overtime on their own volition because they loved the company so much. It almost seemed to me people worshiped the company like a cult, and that was expected. This was not what I wanted. Family always came, (and comes), first with me. Still, it was a dream job before the interview, so I was not prepared to let it go. Thankfully, they turned me down. If I worked there, I would have been miserable working in that environment. I may never have pursued the career path in the data realm that I enjoy either. I may have never started this blog. My rejection by them, and failure to get the job was a blessing. My life is better because I got rejected.

In short, there are many other ways to build confidence, but these five actions really stood out for me in building mine. Employing any of these in your life can slowly help things change and assist you in becoming more confident. It may not happen in a day, but a change of our approach can happen anytime. Over time your confidence can and will grow. You can be able to ask for the raise when the time comes. You can be able to walk up and introduce yourself to that attractive person. You can be able to respond when the attractive person approaches you. You can be able to stand up for your personal boundaries and confront others on difficult topics much more easily. You can stand up for yourself in general. You can be more authentic. You can feel happier, and you will not care what others think about that happiness. You can be confident being who you are.